For Rose
by Books In the Blood
Summary: After losing Rose, a devastated Doctor wants to give in to his pain and make it all end. The only thing that can stop him his the memory of Rose. Will he be able to stay strong? For Rose?


**This is a short little story about what the doctor was thinking after he had to leave Rose. Set directly after "The Runaway Bride". **

The doctor closed the door of the TARDIS behind him and leaned heavily on it; he paused for a moment, considering Donna's offer to stay for Christmas dinner. His hand froze to the doorknob as he almost lost his nerve to leave before he ran forward towards the console and switched the levers to leave. He didn't do domestics…..

His hands paused though when he considered where he was going. He didn't know….He plopped down in the chair by the console, letting his hands fall as he stared aimlessly at the consol. He'd had so many places in mind; when he'd asked Donna to come with him, so many wonderful places sprang to his mind. But now, he couldn't remember any of those places. He felt like a deflated balloon; the silence in the TARDIS was almost unbearable. How couldn't it be so quiet in here?

Silence….he was alone. The emptiness of the quiet was enough to make him feel like he was going mad. He didn't blame Donna for not coming with him. It had been quite a day for her. It would have been hard enough for her to come to terms with finding out her fiancé didn't really love her without all of the other alien events of the day to process. Not everyone was cut out for this life. It was totally understandable that she didn't want to come with him. But he wished she had. He needed her here….he needed someone.

Suddenly the doctor felt like he couldn't breathe; his breaths were coming in gasps and he felt a stabbing pain in his hearts. He grabbed at his chest, standing up, pacing around as he tried to catch his breath but it seemed that it was only getting worse. Finally he felt like he couldn't breathe at all; panic over came him as he gasped for air, his hearts hurting almost as badly as they did when he regenerated.

_You are alone…..no one is here for you. No one cares about you….they shouldn't anyway. Look what always happens when people travel with you? Something bad always happens. They regret traveling with you….or they end up dead. You deserve no one…..after everything you've done you deserve to be alone. You deserve to die. _

Was he dying? He surely felt like something bad was going to happen. So much pain…his lack of air was making him dizzy. Fell to his knees on the ground, feeling weak.

_You are weak….look at you. Five minutes with no one around and you're falling apart. You are pathetic. No wonder Donna didn't want to come with you….she probably saw what you really are and knew she wanted no part of it. Isn't that what she said? She said you needed someone….someone to keep you from being a monster. But she didn't want to be that person. She didn't want you….._

By now the doctor was shaking. He felt cold and hot, he couldn't breathe….the pain in his hearts had radiated to fill his whole body.

_No one wants you…..you hear that loneliness? That quiet? This will be your life now….Nobody wants you. No one except….._

_Rose….._

The doctor's breath came back to him as sobs erupted from his chest. He sunk down even further on the floor, wallowing against the cold floor of the TARDIS. He pressed his fingers deeply into his eyes as a wave of tears poured from them. No one could hear him and he let his sobbing ring out throughout the TARDIS, crying harder at the anguished sound of his own crying, both glad that no one could hear him and secretly wishing someone would come to his aid.

He cried until he hurt but he couldn't stop; it was like a great bursting water out of dam and there was nothing he could do to make it stop. He cried until he thought his eyes would run dry but they never seemed to, drenching his cheeks; he didn't even bother to wipe them away. He sniffled and chocked on his tears but it did nothing to slow down the flow of them. He hadn't let himself cry since Rose had fallen through the rift; he knew if he cried, if he admitted that there was cause for being upset then he would have to admit that she was gone forever. And he wasn't sure that he couldn't handle that.

_Rose…..his beautiful, wonderful Rose. Gone forever….._His sobs began to form into an anguished form of Rose's name, repeating it over and over again as if he said her name enough then she would come to his aide. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine for a moment that she was here, cradling his head in her lap, smoothing out his hair and telling him everything would be okay.

Only she wasn't. Rose wasn't here and she wouldn't ever be again. She was gone forever and he was alone. The brief fantasy had caused him not to calm down but to get more upset.

_Rose…..I need you here…..I want you….please come back to me….._

The doctor cried so much he began to chock and gag; he pulled himself off the floor and into his chair, forcing himself to stop crying before he could get sick. He wiped his face on the sleeve of his jacket until his face was dry, taking deep breaths until his sobbing had stilled completely. Now that his outburst was over, all he felt was empty. Completely and utterly empty.

The doctor pulled his sonic out of his jacket and stared at it, letting it roll from one hand to another. It would be so easy to let the pain end; he could simply turn his screwdriver on and let it slice away the layers of his skin until his veins were exposed. Let his blood drain from his body until he went to sleep. He wouldn't even have to face the pain of regeneration. He could just refuse…..stay asleep. No pain….no loss…..just blackness.

He turned the sonic on, feeling the tug of pain on his skin as the first layer was opened and he saw the first few drops of blood begin to bead up on the skin of his wrist.

The sight of the red liquid awakened him; he tossed the sonic across the room, letting it skid far away from him. He clamped his hand over his wrist to stop the blood. What would Rose think if she could see him now? She certainly wouldn't have let him do this to himself; she'd remind him how selfish he was being. What would he think if she was considering doing what he was considering? He would tell her it wasn't the answer; that she had lots of life left to live and that there was a lot more left for her than to be with him.

The doctor felt the desire to cry rise up in him again, but he didn't have any tears left in him. He was so lonely and he hurt so badly…..he just wanted it to end. But he knew that it's not what Rose would want him to do; she loved all of the saving people and making life better for others. She would want him to keep going; he wanted to give up.

He stared at the sonic screwdriver lying on the floor; he could do it. Rose would never know. She would never see him again. She didn't understand what it was like; he'd lived over 900 years and he was _tired._ It could be so easy….

The doctor sobbed dryly as he grabbed his wrist tightly, so tightly that it hurt him. He couldn't do it. He couldn't give up…..he'd made a lot of mistakes in his lifetime and his saving people was a way to atone for his sins. He couldn't give up now; he had to keep going. He would do it for Rose.

The doctor stood up and slowly made his way to his bedroom. It was eerily quiet in the TARDIS and he desperately hoped for something to puncture the sound but nothing did. When he got to his room, he checked his wrist which had stopped bleeding; he didn't make any move to clean off the dried blood. He took off his jacket, trousers and tie before sliding into bed. He was very tired but he knew that even still it would be a long time before he could sleep. He reached into his bedside table and dug around for a while before he found a photo of him and Rose. Rose's beautiful smile emanated from the picture, her arm around him, head leaning towards him as if she held onto him for support. It was really the other way around.

The doctor stared at the photo for as long as his eyes would allow. When he finally felt like he could go to sleep, he laid the photo on the pillow beside him, rolling over and closing his eyes. "I'll try to do it for you, Rose" the doctor whispered before falling asleep. "I'll try to keep going"


End file.
